irony; inadequately restless

this entry's purpose is to vent instead of writing with the intention of someone potentially reading the following, which i don't really expect.

I was right. July did fly by, and I really hadn't had a chance to breathe until moving here. but in all honesty, i still feel [mentally] unsettled. I'm glad I remained busy last month spending time with my family and traveling before I left. being so preoccupied without much time to think, in a way, gave me encouragement as I knew the running around would be over soon enough and I'd be able to settle and relax, at least somewhat. as a result of paying off my first month's rent, rent deposit, and leftover bills before I left, as well as the move itself, I was (and am) left with much less money than I had intended. i've spent the past 2 weeks looking endlessly for any job that would bring in money the quickest and finally got a job at a diner downtown, which I'm definitely fine with for the time being. I've been extremely distracted, thinking about my parents' divorce and how weird it is that my dad just moved out and now lives in an unfurnished apartment with the exception of a bed a couple miles away from the house I grew up in. I had come to accept their [my parents'] separation, and realize this is what they need to do in order to "be happy and grow." but damn, it's still a heartbreaking situation. my mom is also in shambles, enough that I was considering not moving and staying in ohio simply to be by her side. being the stubborn and amazing person she is, she would never allow this.

I've never let lack of money bother me, and this was especially easy to say when I was making enough to pay bills and go to shows. but when it gets in the way of certain set plans I had for myself, I can't help but allow it to eat at me. I know i'll be fine, and I guess this is expected as I didn't have a lot saved before I left, but now all I can think about is going back to ohio to see my parents and visit nikki while she's here. rationality and money (or lack thereof) result in the trivial cause of my current overwhelming anxiety. over-analyzing and/or worrying about nugatory matters gets me nowhere--i'm all too aware of this.

livid and in disbelief of

how lenient I can be with someone
how oblivious someone can be of their actions
how someone can go on with their day
as if nothing happened and everything is fine
how ridiculous I am for writing this
knowing the person this concerns
will never read it
and because
I render the consequences of having known you

I look forward to never seeing you again.



I'm trying my best not to embarrass myself and turn this rant into a cheesy kelly clarkston song, but I'm pissed and have something to say.

set off the remaining pyrotechnic display at celebrations

Delusive sense of contentment
is found in the eyes of others
that have deceived you
or who have merely made mistakes;
such expectations
are passed down
for me to fulfill in a an uncanny manner.

Until then, hesitation fills
this wavering airship until
it is out of sight,
out of mind.

Acclimate

Due to going to many shows as of late (which I don't regret in the least bit), I realized how quickly my money is being spent when I'm supposed to be saving in preparation for my move. I'm far from being physically ready, but mentally, I'm definitely ready to leave. I have a lot to do, which mostly includes eliminating things I don't need to bring, as well as stocking up on junk that will last me a few months as everything is more expensive in Chicago (including IPAs, damnit) which means I need to get used to drinking PBRs again. This 'junk' mostly includes toiletries, cleaning supplies, cat litter, cat food, et cetera. I'm not too worried about finding an affordable place to live, but I am concerned about my source of income. I'm so used to the convenience of having a car and a job--but this is essentially why I'm moving.. I'd be absolutely miserable if I stayed in one place just because of comfort. I need a change of pace.

Myself and everyone around me always complains about Ohio, but on some degree, I will miss living here, maybe because I've been here the past twenty three years of my life (ugh) and I'm used to the familiarity. However, leaving this doesn't bother me--what does is leaving my family. I'll only be six hours away, so I guess it's not so bad. I really need to start kicking myself in the ass since I basically only have 2 weeks to become organized. The second half of the month will be spent going to Pitchfork, seeing Nikki when she arrives, going to California for a wedding, then briefly back to Ohio to pick up my stuff. I have a feeling the month of July will gone before I know it. .

melons

After much anticipation, I saw The Bronx last Wednesday night at the Grog Shop. The crowd was fucking rough and I got my ass kicked quite a bit, as there was a time when my glasses fell off my face and broke in two pieces. Some 210 lb. guy decided to jump off of the 3 foot stage and land directly on me, causing me to smack the back of my head against the cement floor. Several arms helped me to my feet as I stood with my hand on my head in confusion. About 2 minutes later, I was fine and enjoying the show again. I woke up the next day feeling dizzy with a consistent pounding headache. The pain was tolerable but I still felt strange throughout the day. Because I was to leave for Portland the following day, my mom and brother insisted that I go to the emergency room to check for head injuries. After some convincing, I decided to go even though I was being a big baby about it. The doctor told me I had a concussion, which is certainly much better than having a brain injury or a cracked skull. Good news: I still went to Portland and drank as many IPAs as my head (and liver) could handle.

Admittedly

. . I'm pretty damn excited about this, especially since Karen O. is responsible for the music as well as composer Carter Burwell. Arcade Fire's "Wake Up" enhances the movie trailer, which I find pretty neat. ok, that's all.

early 90's

My brother sent me a text this morning at 11:03am stating, "Polly by Nirvana will always remind me of you." I don't really recall, but I supposedly used to sing this song to him when I was little along with other various Nirvana songs. Oddly, I came across Hole's Live Through This (embarrassingly enough) the other day and it reminded me of my brother blasting this on his old Sony stereo (that he still has today after 18 years)--despite Courtney Love's various publicity stunts, I realized how much I used to like this album. It's funny how much my brother influenced my musical taste, even though he'd listen to white trash metal such as Pantara and Metallica's first 4 albums, which I never really liked nor got into. Now he makes fun of me and says I only listen to "indie" music, while I make fun of him for listening to bands such as Against Me! Certain current bands bring us together that we completely adore, such as The Bronx and Yeah Yeah Yeahs. There are some bands from early nineties that I got into without his reference because our differences in taste, such as Pavement, but most early nineties rock music will always remind me of him.

Bluish

I've been splurging on books and vinyl records, causing me to over-withdraw my account by nearly $200. I'm bad at keeping track of these things and being organized. My friend Jeidra gave me an extra record player she had laying around (right before animal collecitve's merriweather post pavilion came out on vinyl on Tuesday, of course) so instead of just purchasing merriweather on vinyl, I bought Black Keys' The Big Come Up, Wilco's A Ghost Is Born, No Age's Nouns, Animal Collective's Water Curses, Beach House's Devotion, Jay Reatard's Matador Singles '08, Beirut's Gulag Orkestar, Velvet Underground's Velvet Underground and Nico. . some classics. I am quite excited, but have been trying to save my money for Chicago, drum and cello lessons, and other things on my imaginary list of things to do. Instead I spend my (leisure) money on shows, vinyls, books, food and alcohol, et cetera.

There's so much I've been wanting to do, but I don't feel like I've gotten a chance to relax much since graduating. I work 5 days a week, which is good because I like staying busy, but on my days off I'm usually running errands, going to shows, or other things that occupy my time. I haven't been particularly productive, but I'm working on it. I want to start working out again and staying mentally active. This cold weather makes me feel like cuddling up with some beer and my record player.

I lost my brick of a 40gb ipod that I've had the past four and a half years. I treasured this thing because it had so much room and it was simply classic. boo.

I miss my friends. Winter brings a melancholy lonliness.

Master of none

I forgot I was dreaming

You show up often yet unexpectedly
still cringing with layers of doubt on your shoulders
I awake reaching, wondering what happened.
I have nowhere to go
I've lost touch.
Caring alludes to an appetite
that got its fill and left. it's gone.

At least this is what you've come to conclude.

You will never know these things
that I keep.

all you do is talk

Sigh. My portfolio is complete. All I need to do is print two bound copies and hand them in. After turning in today's two papers, I have one research paper, a World Politics assignment, and one final to complete. I should be calming down by now, but I'm still stressed out. . the fact that I haven't washed dishes in a week, Kalliop's liter box needs changed, and my phone is damaged from dropping it in the snow adds unnecessary stress to this end-of-the-semester chaos . . along with the fact I keep thinking about where I'm ultimately going to end up in a month and a half, since I haven't had much time to focus on post-graduation plans. I know this will all come to an end sooner than I realize, but I guess this is what gives me the most anxiety. And, I just want to sleep. . for days. ugh. I've turned into a complaining asshole.

things I did when I was dead

I saw No Age last night. It was probably one of the best shows I've seen in a while. I also had the opportunity to see Soft Circle which consists of one member, Hisham Akira Bharoosha (Black Dice, Lightening Bolt) from Brooklyn. Even though I think I've lost hearing in my left hear, the show was quite refreshing and inspiring to say the least.

fitter.happier.

"AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! "

I came across the article, "Voters approve Proposition 8 banning same-sex marriage" on latimes.com with this photo displayed.

This was taken shortly after listeners had been informed that Proposition 8 had passed.

The fact that these people are this ecstatic over the banning of gay marriage in California is ridiculous.

Even though I think the passing of gay marriage rights seems over-prioritized, as if marriage is the ultimate bread prize or is the only way to be accepted amongst white traditional religious elitists (refer above), it's indeed a right that should be given to all free citizens.

I just caught someone attempting to steal my bike. . that or creepily stand outside my window for a good thirty seconds. My bike is locked up. By the time I opened my door and looked outside they sprinted around the building. Luckily, I have cool neighbors who came over to check on me because they heard someone messing around outside my door. bastards.

there is no modern romance

I came across this poem written by Barack Obama when he was 19. I found it to be pretty damn impressive.

Pop

Sitting in his seat, a seat broad and broken
In, sprinkled with ashes,
Pop switches channels, takes another
Shot of Seagrams, neat, and asks
What to do with me, a green young man
Who fails to consider the
Flim and flam of the world, since
Things have been easy for me;
I stare hard at his face, a stare
That deflects off his brow;
I'm sure he's unaware of his
Dark, watery eyes, that
Glance in different directions,
And his slow, unwelcome twitches,
Fail to pass.
I listen, nod,
Listen, open, till I cling to his pale,
Beige T-shirt, yelling,
Yelling in his ears, that hang
With heavy lobes, but he's still telling
His joke, so I ask why
He's so unhappy, to which he replies . . .
But I don't care anymore, cause
He took too damn long, and from
Under my seat, I pull out the
Mirror I've been saving; I'm laughing,
Laughing loud, the blood rushing from his face
To mine, as he grows small,
A spot in my brain, something
That may be squeezed out, like a
Watermelon seed between
Two fingers.
Pop takes another shot, neat,
Points out the same amber
Stain on his shorts that I've got on mine and
Makes me smell his smell, coming
From me; he switches channels, recites an old poem
He wrote before his mother died,
Stands, shouts, and asks
For a hug, as I shink, my
Arms barely reaching around
His thick, oily neck, and his broad back; 'cause
I see my face, framed within
Pop's black-framed glasses
And know he's laughing too.

Barack Obama

I like the lines, "What to do with me, a green young man/ Who fails to consider the/Flim and flam of the world," considering he is now the 44th president of the United States.

Instead of working on my portfolio, I've been reading non-school-related poetry. I am at the point where I have plenty ahead of me to look forward to but am uncertain about everything. I'm doing my best not to freak myself out but I'm slowly falling into this trap, as I do at the end of every semester. As much as I dislike the anxiety of writing papers hours before they're due and procrastinating at every chance I'm given, I'm going to miss attending classes. buh. Growing up sucks sometimes.

Here's another poem I just read by William Carlos Williams, the Man.

Between Walls

the back wings
of the

hospital where
nothing

will grow lie
cinders

in which shine
the broken

pieces of a green
bottle

Could be the weather

My emotions are swaying. Uncertainty is good, but makes me uneasy. I have so much to accomplish yet have little room to breathe. It's all up to me.

Ignorance

. . is infuriating. Revolving around this upcoming election, this is discernably common. While talking to Pat at work about his stay in South America which somehow led to us talking about the last debate, Sarah, another employee, voluntarily gives her opinion about Barack. Sarah is from Hartville, a place known for its conservative and sheltered majority where individual opinion outside of family beliefs is unheard of.

Sarah: "[Sigh] I can't stand him."
Me: "okay. Why?"
Sarah: "He's nothing more than a n. . . " (fill in the rest)
Me: [Jaw falls]

I was appalled. I had to walk away and remind myself of her lack of education concerning politics and diversity. This is an everyday occurrence that I don't often witness, but certainly exists. Today, I read an article in USAToday titled, "white supremacists target middle-class america," discussing targeting strategies used to broaden the appeal of this group. I tried not to vomit while reading the article. Lack of education and knowledge, as well as upbringing, are key causes to these kind of problems.

Asinine.

Words

It's okay. I've accepted the fact that I fucked up. I'm learning a lot about myself, and others, as a result. I'm sad to have lost someone who genuinely cared about me and who I found to be an amazing person. I lived up to their expectations. I'm not a terrible person. But will admit that my immaturity and dishonesty (to myself) got the best of me. Now I'm left to learn from my mistakes and move on. I still care and have. Words mean nothing.

Awestruck

I went to Nick Zinner's exhibition tonight at a bar downtown in the upper east village of Manhattan. Most of his photos are images taken while on tour, including two walls covered by 3x5 photos of unmade beds in hotel rooms he had slept in. I was starstruck, to say the least. As I stood contemplating when I would gather the balls to approach him and shake his hand, his dad walked toward me and asked how I was doing. I was surprised at his simple yet humble gesture. I expressed to him how much I appreciated his son's work. He thanked me and told me how proud he was of Nick. Eventually, I made my way toward Nick when he wasn't busy talking to other admirers. I finally introduced myself and shook his hand. I was glowing. As I left the bar, James Iha passed by me.